Life is good...

Really, it is.  The month of April, not so good.  But I have gotten through so much and I am feeling so much better now.  I have had every test done, and all negative, meaning I am in GREAT health.  My body has "settled down" now and I am able to eat again.  Dr says I must be in the 2 percentile of people that have an allergic reaction to the actual LapBand material.  Or, my body just rejected it.  Hmmm.  Maybe LapBands are not good for Italians, LOL.  Anyway, I am getting over the whole ordeal.  Only thing left to get over is the open wound in my tummy now.  I will be off work for a few more weeks...wounds take a long time to heal.  However, I am drinking alot of JP protein shakes, doubling my JuicePlus capsules, and I think I will heal a little faster that way. 
I feel very grateful that I am healthy, despite what happened with the band/surgeries.  I am also very grateful for my family and friends and the wealth of love and support I have received.  Once my wound is healed, it is back to the gym, my trainer, and new running shoes to start training for 5ks!  I can't wait!

Peace and Health,
Melissa

Surprise

I have not written in nearly 2 weeks.  On Wednesday, April 13th, I started having tremendous pain in my abdomen and chest that radiated all over and gave me a headache as well.  I tried to just suck it up, but ended up in the ER by late morning.  I was admitted to the hospital and many many tests were run to rule out cardiac, blood clots, kidney dysfunction, etc.  All tests were negative.  I spent Thursday in a drugged fog, and they did more tests.  Negative.  That is good, but, still in pain.  Was discharged from the hospital Friday.  At home, anytime I tried to eat something small/soft, I would feel like I had to throw up.  I would heave, but not actually throw up. This was VERY painful. Saturday, this continued, so I just stopped eating.  Called the exchange, and the nice doctor on call instructed me to "just get through it (like labor pains)" and call my doctor on Monday.  Okay...so, after taking pain meds and a little valium(to relax me, try to reduce spasms), I tried a little soup Sat night.  It felt good to eat.  I thought I was in the clear.  I even nibbled on some very small pieces of bread, thinking that would be okay since I am in phase 3 now and no longer on liquids.  Wrong.  Within 30 minutes, I had that feeling, you know, the waterworks in the back of your throat...got up, started heaving like never before, felt like that LapBand was going to come up my throat and choke me.  So much pain, I couldn't catch my breath.  Almost passed out, Lisa helped me to the bed.  I told her I felt like I was dying.  Sounds pretty dramatic, but I really DID feel like that because I couldn't breathe.  She called 911, and paramedics took me by ambulance back to the hospital.  Fortunately for me, the same ER nurse was there, and jumped into action immediately.  They moved me off the stretcher, and I started heaving all over again.  She got an IV into me and pain med right away.  I was concentrating on my breathing like I was having a baby.  The ER doc came in and had spoke with Dr. Minkin.  They were to admit me.  I had emergency surgery Sunday and he took the LapBand out.

Wow...I would have never expected this.  All of my excitement, hard work, liquid diet, mental anguish, etc...and now it is out?  Though everything I had gone through, I was okay with having it out.  I could not live like this.  I still had trouble after surgery.  Couldn't eat.  Could barely drink.  Many more swallow tests and an endoscopy done.  "Everything looks good."  Why did this happen then?  Why did my body reject the Band?  The only answers that make sense is that perhaps I had an allergic reaction to the Band.  For some reason, my body did not WANT that Band in.  Trouble is, I am still having issues.
 
I was finally released from the hospital Wednesday, the 20th.  Still on pain meds, and a med to reduce spasm of smooth muscle.  It helps, but it is going to be a while before I am in good shape.
I have come to my own conclusion...my body has been traumatized with 2 surgeries in less than 3 weeks time, not to mention that foreign object that was in there...my body is still reacting with spasms in my stomach and esophagus...I just have to give it time.  I am going for one more test next Tuesday, but not really expecting to get a diagnosis of any sort.   I am expecting to hear the same thing "everything looks good."  Which is GOOD by the way, I just hope that I get better soon, and don't have any long lasting problems.  I have to be patient...that is difficult.  I feel like I am in a holding pattern.  I want to get on with life. This has been quite an ordeal.

I have to remember that I am very blessed and fortunate though...to my partner, my mother, my sister Julie...and my family that has stood by me and helped and supported me.  Especially thankful to Lisa, as she has taken on EVERYTHING...her load is very heavy right now.

This will pass.  I will get better.  I will still lose the weight.  Damn, I got through so much of the mental stuff already.  I can't wait to feel better, start working out again...get back to work, life goes on.  So, I won't have the LapBand to help me.  I will do it on my own.  I know what to do.  Might take me a little longer, but maybe not.  I am already down nearly 40 lbs from the beginning of this year.  That is a good start. Not that it was pleasant at all losing most of that the way I did...haha...but I am ready.  In my heart and in my mind, I am ready.  I have a great support system, and we are all going to help each other reach our goals.

I wish the best of health and happiness to everyone out there reading this.  Even through the tough times, know that you can get through it with the right mental attitude.  Oh, and a little patience :)

Peace and Health,
Melissa.

Monday

Monday, Monday, rainy Monday.  We should see a lot of green grass and flowers with all of the rain and the snow we have had this year.  I had a good weekend with Lisa, Grace and Lily...yesterday was the best I have felt since this all started 2 weeks ago.  My pain has gone down and little by little I am feeling better, physically.  Mentally, well, feeling better...trying to take things slow and really think.  I see Dr. Minkin later this morning, and I will suggest that he recommends a little more attention be paid to the mental aspect of this life changing tool, and perhaps potential surgery patients could see a therapist a few times prior to surgery, and after.  I went in to this with a very positive attitude, and if I am struggling, I cannot imagine what it might be like for someone who did not have a positive attitude, nor know much about health and nutrition...I feel like I had an advantage with my general healthcare knowledge, and my wellness and nutrition background.  Even with that, there has definitely been some unforeseen challenges.  And I am not the only one involved.  This affects my partner Lisa, and the kids too, when they want to go out for pizza, for example, and we can't because mom can only have soup.  Kids don't understand.  As much as I try to explain, they forget 5 minutes later :)  So, it was an adjustment this weekend.  But only temporary.  Lisa has been very thoughtful and understanding, and supportive.  The kids managed and we all compromised this weekend.  Each week that goes by, I will be able to gradually expand my variety of food intake.  By the end of May, I will be able to eat pretty much what I want, in small amounts of course, but will not be so limited if the kids want to go for pizza...I will just eat very little.  Gee, I would be a cheap date huh?  It is funny to think about, but really, what I used to eat in one sitting can now provide many meals for me.  That is quite an eye opener.  Well, our food budget should go down LOL.  I am down 15.5 lbs in 2 weeks.  I know that will slow down now, but should get going again as I am able to add exercise.  I miss exercising.  Never thought I would!  I can't wait to start working with my trainer again.  And get out walking and running.  I look forward to buying new running shoes.  That makes me feel happy.

Peace and health,
Melissa

Need a boost

Ok, so I gave myself permission to rest for 2 days, Wed and Thurs...thinking that by Friday, I should be feeling pretty good and can get some things done.  Wrong.  I am so tired, so weak, and so unmotivated it is scary.  I have no "umphh" to do anything.  I feel like a slug.  I want to clean the house, naahhh.  I want to organize my office, naahhh.  I am forcing myself to blog right now, in hopes that something will click with me and tada, I will be motivated.  I usually go go go go, this is so unlike me.  I have not taken any pain med since Wed night, trying to stay off of it, fearful that if I took it now, I would just stay in bed all day.  I have been reading the last 2 days, but not even motivated to do that.  It is a beautiful day outside, hmmm...what the hell is wrong with me?  Do I just give in and lay around like a lazy slug?  Or do I force myself to get up and do something?  Certainly do not like this feeling.  I want to feel better, feel positive, have energy...I guess that will come, but when?  I am actually having a hard time taking in enough liquids, ironically, it is easier to just not eat.  It makes me feel depressed.  Is this normal?  Do I just need to be patient?  I think I am going to take a nap and try to start over.  Only thing I can think of to do right now.  This sucks.  Hopefully I will barely remember it someday.  Feel like Debbie Downer...

Peace and Health,
Melissa

Over the hump?

Well, it could be that I am over the biggest hump so far...this is the last day of the clear liquid diet, get to add yogurt and oatmeal tomorrow for a week, as I will be on full liquids(as opposed to just clear).  Somehow, my attitude is changing.  For the better.  I am feeling better today.  Yesterday, not a good day.  Had a lot of pain and just felt lethargic all day.  Today, I gave myself permission to rest.  I did something totally out of character...after dropping off the girls, I came home, took some pain med, laid on the couch and did not move for hours.  I have this problem where I think I should ALWAYS be doing something.  Gee, I am off work for a reason~to recover from surgery.  NOT to fill myself up with other work.  I don't know why I do that to myself, other than I just like for things to be done, organized, etc.  One thing is true though, no matter how much I do, I will still ALWAYS have stuff to do.  Wow, it hit me today...it is OK to take care of yourself, do NOTHING, so that you can heal.  I am sure I would tell a family member that, or a friend, or a patient...but somehow, have difficulty telling myself that.  And, it is also ok to delegate...Grace and Lily did a great job helping momma this morning, Grace even vacuumed~it was a beautiful thing.  Of course she is at the age where it is exciting to help, she asked me if she could start doing the dishes :)  Soon then the excitement will wear off...and she will not be happy about it...oh well, that's where bribery comes in to play LOL  The joys of parenting!  I love my girls sooo much.  So, I am off.  Going to the bookstore to get Jillian Michaels new book "Limitless"  Maybe I will sit outside and read, take in the fresh air, and feel the gratitude flowing through me for everything God has blessed me with.

Peace and Health,
Melissa 

Dr. Oz

Wow, the LapBand is being discussed on the Dr. Oz show today.  Interesting take on the surgery and the guidelines being lowered by the FDA which makes it easier to qualify for the surgery.  Dr Shawn Garber talks about an 85% success rate, but emphasizes that the LapBand is not an easy fix.  Two women in the audience talk about that the benefits outweigh the risks.  I agree with that.
Looking forward to watching the rest of the show.

Meanwhile, I continue to be hungry...have 3 more days of liquids...down another 1.8  lbs.  All part of the journey.  I kept dreaming about food last night.  I vividly remember being at a party and fixed myself a little plate and half way through, realized that I still had one more day of liquids...I was horrified.  Did not know what to do.  Then I kept dreaming of being in different places and eating, then being angry that no one reminded me that I was not supposed to.  Explains why I woke up feeling a little anxious :)

During my recovery time, I have spent some time watching TV...boy, what an eye opener that so MUCH of our world is surrounded by food, and exorbitant amounts of it!  Cannot get through 3 commercials without 1 being about food.

For more info on the show, I posted Dr. Oz's link on my blog site.

Peace and Health,
Melissa

DAY 7

I don't really know what to say today.  Unfortunately, I feel an overwhelming state of sadness around me.  I can't put my finger on just one thing, but will say that coping is extremely difficult.  I want to eat so bad.  I want the comfort that comes with food.  Something cheesy, buttery, soft...this has got to be the most difficult.  I can cry just thinking about it.  On one hand I feel ashamed by telling this, but on the other, maybe I need to.  I knew going into this that there was a huge MENTAL aspect, but had no idea to what level.  It is a harsh realization that I turned to food so much in my life.  A temporary comfort, but long lasting detriment.  There really are NO vices for me to turn to...alcohol is a no no too, and I am not going to smoke, nor do I have a desire.  I can't exercise to get my mind off of food.  I am bored watching TV, and when I head for the fridge, all I can get is Jello or a popsicle.  Ugghhhh....I have to persevere through this.  My life depends on it.  My quality of life depends on it too.  I have to remind myself that these are hurdles for me to jump over.  On a positive note, I am down 10 lbs from Monday.  I am hopeful that keeps steadily dropping.  I am trying to think of anything positive right now to keep me from feeling depressed.  I could be doing this alone, and I am not.  I have fantastic support from my family and friends.  When you feel bad though, it is so much easier to see all of the negative.  So, I will keep my chin up, and keep going.  I will try to be patient.  I WILL get through this.

Peace and Health,
Melissa